| I loathe my stepfather |
[16 Mar 2004|01:43am] |
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(I could go on this tediously protracted rant
of everything about your persona that makes me detest you so.
Fortunately for you, your not deserving of that.
Though sometimes I consider that it is not your persona
but the person you genuinely are.
This agitates me more than you can concieve.
Not because I am forced to deal with it...
.
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.
.
But because you don't know anything else...)
The other night I had a dream that my step-father slapped me across the face, my reaction was blank. But then I started screaming at him telling him never to touch me again, speaking profanely against him until I grabbed a knife and stabbed him.....
....scary thing is my best friend has this exact dream....
...about four times in the past week...
Even scarier is the fact that I can actually see myself reacting that way if he ever did lay a hand on me or my mother. I guess it is because of the fact that my biological father abused my mother but even without any physical abuse towards me I still have so much hate towards my step-father. All the hate relates back to my biological father....I guess I owe him a "thank you" for fucking up mine and my mothers life.
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| I'm an update whore |
[15 Mar 2004|01:18am] |
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So i was thinking...sometimes i wish there were set rules to life...like if someone broke one, it would be obvious! But we have to settle for opinions, judgment, and our own veiws...and guess what? Sometimes opinions and judgements aren't the same for everybody! Everybodys view is just a little different, and sometimes there is no right or wrong. I wish life could be more black and white..sometimes everyone is going to be wrong, and it would be great if you knew when that sometimes is...and when that sometimes isnt...but we dont get that! nope! We get to argue and disgree and all that fun stuff...I guess my little fantasy world will never happen...but that would be sooo great! Its just that...sometimes I try to do what's right...but there is no set right and wrong...so I TRY for what's right...and then someone says its wrong...so then I'm way confused and get stuck in the oh so wonderful grey area. So then I dont know if i go with the white, or the black...do i trust what others say? Do i trust my own judgement? What if im wrong? what if im right?! what if im neither?! what if they are wrong?! what if they are right?!!?@#$ so then i give myself a huge headache trying to figure out what to do...what do you do when you are so in the white area, and the other is way in the black area?! and there is like no grey between you?! does that mean it will never work? does that mean you cant get along anymore?! is it easier to froget about your color and not stand up for it?! I dont like this anymore! but black is too black, and i am too white...aye! and then there is the red mixed in there because your so mad you both act on impulse and then theres 3 colors all mixed up in there! what you wanted to stand up for, what they stand up for, and what you say just because your mad! and its just one big...mess. wow okay that was my sucky analogy on how i feel...it wasn't meant to offend or get any one any further pissed off...its just im way confused...
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| Well I never... |
[15 Mar 2004|01:15am] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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| [ |
music |
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Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades |x| Brand New |
] |
( I never )
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| what a beautiful mess |
[14 Mar 2004|04:17am] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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Burn, Burn |x| Lostprophets |
] |
Wow I just got this journal yesterday and this is my third update. I update in this journal more than my other journal, that is probably because practically nobody knows that I have this journal.
What I want to know is what is up with guys telling me they love me lately. It's been happening alot and its freaking me out because I don't know if they are saying it and meaning it. Or just saying it to "hit that". It seems that in today's world people throw around the word "I love you" as if it didn't have the important meaning that it did. I have got to say that they are ruining the word for those who truly believe in love and don't say it unless they truly mean it. Because when it is said and it is meant, people doubt it and get scared because they were hurt in the past. Hurt by people who have said I love you and not have meant it. I am one of those people it was ruined for.
Why do people say it so loosely is what I want to know? When did people start saying I love you to random people they just met to show some sort of affection. The only times I ever say "I love you" in the incorrect context of the words, is when I am thanking someone for something that I get so excited about but then I usually "wuv" or "lub". If I do say the words I love you I usually finish it with "except not" or something like it. But today's society insist on saying probably about 30 times a day to whomever they want, whenever they want.
Alot of people say they love someone also, when it infact is infatuation. These people also ruin it for someone who truly is on love because everyone else says "Oh its not love, its just infatuation.". I'm not saying there is anything wrong with infatuation, I love being infatuated with something or someone. Just people shouldn't call it love.
You know what infatuation is???? It is "pizza love". You love pizza, but you wouldn't marry pizza, make love to pizza, and spend the rest of your life being devoted to pizza, or at least I hope not. So most people my age are in "pizza love", yet they must use the words "I love you".
I guess this is the end of my rant. I just don't understand why so many guys have been telling me they love me lately, even if it is as a friend...I am not even close with them as a friend! What is it about me that makes them say they love me? Am I just that loveable or easy to fall in love with? I personally don't think so but whatever.
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